American Idol

Nikki McKibbin, a finalist on the first season of American Idol, appears on the upcoming season of Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew. The show premieres Thursday on VH1.

American Idol finalist Nikki McKibbin is confronting her demons.

The Season 1 third-place finisher was the first “resident rocker” on the series, and many were surprised to see her go as far as she did in the competition. She was only beat out by Justin Guarini and inaugural champion Kelly Clarkson.

But when McKibbin stood in front of the judges for her first audition, it was shortly after she took three shots of tequila. The 30-year-old now says that was the beginning of a long road that has led her to another reality series, Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew.

“The worst time for me was when my mom died,” McKibbin told MTV News. “I didn’t have any control over myself at all, and I drank for nine months nonstop.”

The singer said her trip to Rehab marked the first time she tried to get clean. As a child, she says her father abused alcohol and drugs, and she was physically and sexually abused by a family member.

“I’ve always wanted to be able to talk about it to somebody who wasn’t family who wouldn’t get angry,” she told MTV News. “I’ve tried therapy and psychiatrists, but what’s different with [Celebrity Rehab] is that I needed to learn how to deal with this stuff. After I’d leave the psychiatrist’s office, I’d go drinking because it was too painful to keep thinking about. When you deal with trauma as a child … if you have an addict mentality and it’s hardwired from the beginning, you don’t know how to do anything else other than drink and take drugs to take the pain away.”

McKibbin’s appearance on the upcoming season of Celebrity Rehab marks the second time an Idol finalist has appeared on the show. Season 5’s Jessica Sierra made an unsuccessful attempt to get clean with Dr. Drew, but is back in an intensive treatment program after more police trouble last year.

For McKibbin, she says the show’s criticism led to her drinking even more heavily, especially when it came to the harsh criticisms of judge Simon Cowell.

“For me, I had never been told I wasn’t good,” she told MTV News. “I’m by no means blaming him. I’m an addict, and if you tell an addict they’re no good, it triggers you and makes you think you’re worthless and useless and no good at the only thing you ever wanted to do your whole life.”

McKibbin released her CD Unleashed last year, and is now working with a new band, Wicked Attraction, and working on a new album. Some of her music will be featured on Celebrity Rehab, which debuts Thursday on VH1.